Shame on Me!

I guess I've been a little busy for the past 3 years!!! That and a little thing called Facebook, Pinterest, and life all happened. Well, maybe soon my creative writing juices will start flowing again and I will quench the need to express myself in writing.
On a different note, says myself, to myself. Today is Day 1 of my half marathon training.  Go me!

Buried Deep

Somewhere buried deep she exists. She keeps searching, digging, peeling away the layers, but to no avail she can't find herself. Did she ever exist? I don't even think she had a chance to fully develop. Life kept chipping away, making dents and not allowing her soul to blossom into a full fledged flower. Instead, dry and brittle peddles keep dropping off one by one. Is is possible to feel whole? She wonders this often, but never finalizes the thought with a satisfying answer. So the search continues, she meanders on, only to follow a well worn path that leads to nowhere. A perpetual cycle that never fails to deliver a dizzying, frustrating, soul searching effort to find what is buried deep.

Saying goodbye to Grandma Matthews

It is with a heavy heart that I say goodbye to Grandma Matthews. My heart is swollen with memories of her spunk and zest for life. She represented, to me, a symbol of a family that I longed for. Because of this special woman, I value what it means to love unconditionally and to stand by each other through the good times and the bad, never giving up on the special bond that holds together a lifelong encasement of support, friendship, advice, and the warm and cozy feeling of family. My tears are bittersweet at this time of loss. I weep in sadness for a bold, confident lady who endured the tough life of raising 4 children while Granddaddy was away fighting for our freedom. I hold great sorrow for a family left behind that reaped the benefits of her stoic, exemplary footprints of motherhood forever ingrained in my memory. However, I’m happy that she has left this earth in peace and the comfort of knowing that she raised her children to lead happy, successful lives who, in turn, gifted others by having10 grandchildren and 19 great-grandchildren. As these two sided tears slide down my cheek I wipe them away knowing that we have all benefited from her life and although she physically will not accompany us she will always be a reminding shadow in my life and an echo in heart.

An answered prayer

No matter how much of a planner you are, it is just not possible to predict what life has in store. The proof is in the weather. Right now there are snow flurries falling wistfully as if it's normal for this to be happening in April. Half of my family is in Florida and standing in line at Universal Studios. This was also unplanned. I have learned you can depend on one thing - change is a part of life and we have no control over it. Maybe the small things, like what am I going to eat for lunch or what outfit am I wearing to work the next day, but when life shifts and throws you a curve ball it usually is a part of the big plan. Good does come from out of the ordinary circumstances and in some way seems to be just what the doctor ordered. Unfortunately, it sometimes takes suffering and pain, endured by others, to bring about a change that would be otherwise left unattended. So, maybe I hadn't planned on wearing my winter coat anymore this year, and I surely hadn't intended on spending several days without my husband and eldest son, but like these beautiful and unique flurries, a reminder is made about a force at work. This force is bigger and stronger than you and me. Prayers really do get answered.

How do you deal with disappointment?

The biggest disappointment, for me, always involves my children. If it happens to me, personally, I am able to deal with the situation at hand more easily and set aside my differences. But, that's not the particular item that I'm struggling with. I have been tossing around the way I react to disappointment. I find that I react quickly and do not take a breath before my emotions get a hold of me and literally leave my easy going spirit in the dust. Almost always it is sport related. I am competitive. I am immersed in sports. I am very passionate about both. This can be a bad combination and the outbursts of emotion have reared its ugly little head on more than one occasion. Typically, I'm a quiet person, especially in public or in large groups of people. But, when I get mad or am denied a particular desire while in the heat of the moment, I just snap. I don't care who is there, where I am, or how loud or ridiculous I sound. It's like another person takes over. I'm no longer cognitively in control over what my lips spew and to who. It's quite like an out of body experience. One way I deal with adversity is to write it out, kinda like what I'm doing right now. This does seem to ease the tension quite a bit, but there are many times when the tapping of a keyboard or pen and paper are not readily available to allow the steam escape my molten anger from inside. I am consciously making an effort to take deep breaths and not let things rattle me. It's a tall order for me, but I believe worth the effort. How do you deal with disappointment?

Humanity

People who have compassion are few and far between. But, when you do stumble across a truly caring person, it's actually shocking. The reason it is shocking is because most people have a hidden agenda. When a person is compelled to do a favor or truly care, without any expectations, I still find it hard to grasp and compute into my little brain. It does exist. I have experienced it and I do find it bewildering. Isn't that sad? I'm bothered that I feel that way. Time has a way of teaching us and a way of showing humanity's true colors. So, as a whole, we as humans tend to believe the worst in people. I habitually give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Time, however, against my will, is teaching me that it may be a waste of time and effort. I don't want to throw the towel in, but I sure do need some quick instances that will change my mind. Hurry, because we're running out of time!

Nolan's Christmas party

I attended Nolan's Christmas party and enjoyed watching the adorable children exchange and open their gifts to each other. Pictured below are some reindeer antlers that all the children wore and as you can see, Nolan isn't so sure he likes them on his head. My 10 year old, Zachery, however, thought they were very cool and has taken ownership.

It's funny how the transfer takes place. I remember as a child loving to open presents and going to my best friend, Allison's house and
each of us showing what we got for Christmas. Now, I get so much pleasure from just watching my children's faces light up and seeing the spirit and joy of Christmas through their eyes. It's true, materialistic things don't make you happy it's those precious to our hearts
that make it all worthwhile.

Goldmine Classic

Congratulations to my son, Zachery, for pinning all 3 of his opponents and making it to the final round. He went up against the returning state champ and lost, but I'm so proud of him for getting a second place medal against some pretty fierce competition. Way to go!

Regents Test

As part of my current enrollment in college and upon receiving a college degree all students must take and pass what is called a Regents Test exam. This 2 hour long test consists of reading comprehension by the way of 54 multiple choice questions, the second portion of the test is a written essay in which you choose one topic and form a thesis and have one hour to write.

This was a strenuous two hour time frame as I am not a relaxed or confident test taker. It was tough giving up a Saturday morning; especially when I needed to be somewhere immediately after.

Thank the lord I don't have to take it again.............I PASSED IT! Yippppeee! I'm so proud, because I thought for sure that I would be sitting again for another 2 hours of torture! But, I don't ever have to worry about it again.

Making a stand

If you know me at all, then you would know that I'm not very outspoken. I like peace and harmony. I don't like arguments or debates and I've never been very opinionated. I am on a discussion list serve where I work and after approximately a week of highly educated professors bantering back and forth with opinions, statistics and what seemed like written emails with endless researched rhetoric; I finally could stand my silence no longer. One email in particular hit a nerve and before I could stop them my fingers were flying across the keyboard in a frenzy of outrage. I couldn't stop them, they had a mind of their own and as I hovered over the send button I couldn't stop the inevitable click. Oh no! This could get ugly. I can not compete with the verbiage and writing style of these professors, nor could I so eloquently place my words in type print to even compare with this intelligent forum. My hands were shaking in shear panic of the up and coming responses that would be sent in reply to my spontaneous utterings. To my surprise, not only did I get numerous, positive responses, but a personal phone call. These pats on the back, cheers of encouragement and kudos that were flying through cyberspace and landing in my inbox multiplied and actually boosted my confidence. One person even responded by saying, " Two golden cents they are, too. Legal tender, like all the rest. ;)" What I did may not seem like much to some, but for me it took guts. I bet you're wondering what the topic of discussion was???? I'd rather not say, I don't want to further the debate.

Miscellaneous

This week is definitely football weather. There's a bitter wind that cuts right through you and it's not even November, yet. In WalMart yesterday, a worker in the baby clothes section, told me that in the Almanac it predicted this to be the worst winter in 17 years. I don't usually follow the Almanac, so I don't know how consistently on target it is, but I would agree that so far it's correct. She also went on to say that she couldn't believe that Christmas was only 8 weeks away. The lady, whose name I didn't get, continued to say that she doesn't ever really seem to enjoy the holidays, because during each holiday they're preparing for the next one. Right now, when she should be focusing on Halloween, she's already putting out Christmas items and during Christmas she's setting up Valentines, then Easter and so on. She was really unloading on me and I obliged by listening, replying and shopping (during my 1 hour lunch break) and picking out some clothes for Nolan. I do relate to what she is saying. Life seems rushed and busy. We really don't take the time to live in the moment. I believe that is what she was saying to me.

This Thursday is the Middle school championship game against White County. I'm scared to look at the weather forecast, but we will brave the weather no matter how cold. Brian has been working very hard on preparing for this game, watching and breaking down film and coming up with a game plan - all of this - in between the start of wrestling season. I'm so proud of him, he works very hard; and luckily as a family, we all love sports, because at this time of year, we are consumed by it.

Friendship

It's an amazing whirlwind of rediscovery when you cross paths with people that you shared your daily life with, day in and day out over a period of years; so long ago. These years being the time in your life when you grow and change, not only physically, but mentally. You can't imagine your life without these friends; but somehow, over time, maturity, and many subtle changes, it happens. You're no longer surrounded by this warm and cozy blanket of friends. The security is removed and once you yawn and stretch your arms out into the unknown world around, you are forced to blossom into an entirely different person. For some, this is a daunting task, for others a necessity. For me it has been the needed force for rediscovery and the assurance to become a strong, able and independent woman. Now, as I stand steady and sure of who I am I go with ample amounts of confidence and hope that I can rekindle friendships from the past.

Another one down

Well I completed yet another Midterm. I feel so relieved. One by one, I will achieve my goals............a degree. It is tough, but anything worthwhile takes effort, determination and perseverance. So, I will march on.

We will be attending Brian's middle school football game tonight - Go Indians! It should be perfect football weather. I can't wait to see them win!

Not feeling well

I hope it's just my imagination, but I sort feel like I have strep throat. If not strep, it's definitely the beginnings of an upper respiratory infection. I'm so exhausted and I need to be studying for my midterm. I think I'll just go to bed instead. I need rest. Maybe I'll place my history book on my head while I sleep..........if only that would work.

This one's for you Renae

It has been brought to my attention (Renae) that I no longer blog. Yes, it's true, I've lost that blogging feeling and it's gone, gone, gone. But, I will do my best to post a few lines here and there when I can spare a few moments. I've just gotten so caught up with living life that I barely have time to sit in front of the computer and allow cyberspace to suck me in. School is in full swing, Nolan is walking, talking and another class has begun. Football practice 3 nights a week is also another hindrance.

So, Renae, what about your blog????

One Small step for man one giant leap for blueberries

To my amazement Nolan took his first steps on Saturday, August 9th. I was nonchalantly getting some blueberries out to snack on and sat on the couch to dig in. Nolan took one look and decided to "walk" on over to acquire these sweet, blue treats. I screamed with delight and surprise and scared my husband to death. He looks so cute lifting those chunky feet and wobbling around. Yet another milestone.

Hard work pays off

I'm so thrilled and proud to say that I received an "A" for my final grade for the American Government class I took over the summer. It was a difficult course for two reasons. One being that I'm not very interested in politics and two, summer courses are more difficult because a large course load is crammed into a small amount of time. It means so much now as a grown adult to be rewarded with a good grade. It symbolizes hard work, great amounts of effort and determination at doing your best.

I'll be taking another course in the Fall and I look forward to the challenges I will face towards yet another goal of making an "A". I told my son Zachery and he was happy for me and yelled "Yay". My husband gave me a high five. Nolan was sleeping so I'll tell him in the morning. To some, this may not be a big deal, but for me it is a much needed boost to my confidence. Who says a 35 year old working mother of 2 can't hang in there with the young non-working kids fresh out of high school?

Ok enough already - no more bragging.

It's almost over

I take my final on Tuesday and then I will officially be finished with my class. I've been studying all weekend and feel like I've gotten no where. I'm not feeling very optimistic about this test and am relying heavily on the 2 essay questions to pull me through. If the test is as tricky as the study guide I'm in real big trouble.

Our riding mower blew up and spewed thick, white, stinky smoke everywhere. Our garage door opener is not working and I haven't even had time to think or plan anything for my 13th wedding anniversary on the 22nd (same day as my final). I think we'll just eat dinner at home and do something special next year.

Football camp is this week and I need to get school supplies for Zachery. School starts August 7th. My best friend, Julie, has a birthday on August 2nd, my sister, Renae's is on the 3rd. Nolan's is on the 15th. My mom is coming to visit that weekend - need to plan Nolan's 1st birthday party. I am participating in a run on August 17th. Oh, did I mention, we finally have a new director, who started on July 14th? It was a busy week.

Ok, so this post turned out to be more like a to do list. Too much on my mind and too much laundry to be done.

Goldfish

Somehow, my 10 month old son, has become addicted to goldfish. You know, those tiny orange fish shaped crackers that are cheddar flavored. They're the perfect bite-sized cracker for a little person learning to feed himself. What I started doing was putting Nolan in his high chair and pouring a handful of goldfish out onto his tray while I prepared his dinner or got started cooking. Just a way to buy some time to get started and to occupy him so that I could multi task. It turns out that I have created a cute and tiny little monster. Now, it seems that these crunchy little crackers are all that he wants. I feed him a few spoonfuls of his baby food and before long, he bats away the spoon, turns his head and completely avoids the baby food. He grunts and fusses....................until the goldfish hit the table and then all noises cease and the hand to mouth routine begins. Suddenly, everything is right in the world and Nolan, happily munches away. I'm hoping he will grow out of this ritual, because I don't want him to get into the habit of a bad eating diet. I think with any addiction, the best form of action would be to slowly and carefully withdraw the portions until we get down to zero. In other words, maybe I need to wean him from goldfish. Sounds funny! Who would have ever thought this would happen??? I'm suspicious - is there some hidden ingredient in these peculiar snacks? At any rate, I'm sure there are worse things to be going through, but maybe not as funny.

Guilty

Ok - I'm feeling bad because I haven't been blogging for a while. I've just been out of whack ever since I returned from vacation. I'm unable to shake it off. I just returned from an evening out with my friend Julie and her son Taylor. Zachery and Taylor bowled a couple of games, then played video games together, while Julie and I caught up with each other and played with Nolan. Then we headed for dinner and ate Mexican. I'm so proud of her - she's lost 16 lbs. and looks fantastic. Now, I just need to get on the ball and lose a few lbs.

I'm going to try and do better about blogging - the whole purpose of this blog is to have a journal of my life and I've been just letting it all slip by. I promise to do better. I do love to write - so it shouldn't be too difficult.

Overwhelmed

The after math of a vacation is very overwhelming. I'm still trying to get caught up at work, my house needs cleaning, I'm cramming for my mid-term that I have to take this week, another paper to write, taking Zachery to practice and the list goes on and on. I feel like I need another vacation. Instead of feeling rejuvenated and refreshed, all I can think about is going back to the beach. Is it worth it? I'm beginning to wonder. Later, when I get caught back up I will post about our trip, but for now I'm barely keeping my head above the water.................the crystal clear emerald water that I so desperately miss.

GRAND SLAM!

There's one more game left in the season and as always just when the season winds down, the boys really come together as a team. It seems to happen every time, just when the kids start clicking and grooving the end is near. Maybe they give a heartier effort, because they know it's about to end or maybe the season just isn't long enough. I too have a sense of comfort now with the parents and have warmed up with the mom's and dad's that stand along side me as we cheer our kids on to victory. Tonight, my son hit a GRAND SLAM! The ball was hit to the fence and allowed us to score 4 runs. My heart leaped as the cracking sound of the bat sent the ball sailing up, up and away. As the boys rounded the bases we all clapped and jumped up and down as if we'd won the world series. We ended up winning the game, but even if we hadn't I would have been satisfied. All of the boys played extraordinarily great tonight and pride beamed from our faces. Great job Zachery! It was so much fun watching you play.

Less hair for the good of others

Here I am after having 8 inches of hair cut off. Not only do I feel lighter, look younger and have a new bounce in my step, my hair is going to help make a womans life feel a little less painful. I'm donating my hair to Pantene's Beautiful Lengths donation program, and they are teaming up with the American Cancer Society in order to make wigs that will be dontated to women who have lost their hair due to their fight with cancer. It's a win win situation for me and I like my new summer cut - what do ya think?

Office Politics

Surviving the working world means much more than a job well done after a tough day at the office. The daily grind and ins and outs of office chatter is exhausting. One of the toughest aspects of my job is dealing with the many unique personalities. I have to curtail and tailor my office etiquette to please so many different management styles, preferences and it sends my mind whirling around like a tornado. Sometimes I feel so out of control and pulled in so many different directions I feel sea sick - please pass the Dramamine.

Another horrifying pet peeve is office gossip, back stabbing and down right two faced "adults" who never seemed to graduate from their high school antics. This behavior down right infuriates me and suffocates my well being. I simply loathe the whispering, smile to your face, stab you in the back behavior that goes on, but, unfortunately, it comes with the territory. These behaviors make me feel paranoid, uncomfortable and more importantly, takes my mind off my work.

Some days these idiosyncrasies don't affect me at all, but some days, like the days this week, it just tears me a part;especially when it is so blatant. I know, I should be mature enough to let it go in one ear and out the other, let it slide right off my back, just ignore it. And, I do for the most part, but my easy going, laid back, c'est la vie attitude is worn out. My take it easy slot is all filled up. I feel like exploding and as I'm sitting at my desk I feel like I wanna run and escape the chatter.

Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe I'm just sick and tired, maybe everybody else needs to just grow up and pay more attention to the important things like doing their job, and thinking about going home to their families. Take a good look at the view - the big picture - and I guarantee you it's not gonna reflect any of the snide gossip or games played at the office. In a few years no one is going to care who finds out the dirt on the next hire or who got what raise or why this person doesn't seem to do their job right, etc. etc.

My synopsis............I'm ready for my vacation. The countdown begins-- I'm already mentally on the beach, listening to the waves roll in, seagulls overhead, and a gentle breeze blowing my hair as I watch my family play and splash in the refreshing water - aaahhh suddenly the office seems far away and barely visible. At the bottom of the ocean - the sharks are circling, but I'm safe on the sand reading a good book and escaping the chirps of office politics.

Knee surgery

My husband had surgery on his knee today. He had a torn meniscus and was in excruciating pain. Everything went well aside from being groggy and a throbbing pain in his knee. The doctor repaired the tear, shaved off a few jagged edges and even removed some arthritis. In the journey from the car to the house, he was able to utilize his crutches and even put a little pressure on his knee. I'm thankful all went well and he's resting peacefully at home in his recliner.

Happy 91st Birthday to Great Grandma Young

For many, today was a day off from work, sleeping in, kicking back or maybe doing some yard work. It was also a day to celebrate 91 years of living for Eleanor Young. We celebrated Great Grandma's birthday by having lunch with the family at the assisted living facility where Eleanor lives. I'm not sure if Eleanor was the oldest, but I'm pretty sure that Nolan and Zachery were the youngest. We ate barbecued chicken, potato salad and baked beans. The meal was delicious and Grandma kept telling everyone how delighted she was to have her family there with her today. It meant a lot to her and to us to share this special day with her.

Degree Seeking Mom

I wish I would have known my career path sooner. I would have loved to have graduated from High School and gone to college and graduated in 4 years. Then got the job of my dreams and started into a career that was actually in my field of study. But NOOO, instead I'm 35, a full-time working mother of two and I'm taking college courses now while cramming everything else in my life at once. I know I'm not alone in this desperate quest for a college degree. If only back then I would have realized how important it was to go ahead and get it done while I was young, energetic and childless. That is one thing I would have done differently. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would have gotten my degree while I had less responsibility. These days, having a degree makes a huge difference in your chances at a decent paying job and with the job market the way it is right now, every extra edge or advantage is a huge benefit. Education is important and is something that can never be taken away from you. Knowledge is power and in my experience, so is having a degree. I plan on continuing and forging ahead with my plans in obtaining a Bachelors' degree, one class at a time. Better late than never!

Summer break

I remember that feeling just before Summer break. There was an excitement in the air, an extra bounce in my step and the feeling that I made it - another school year under my belt. AAAHHHH - time for fun, staying up late, sleeping in, swimming and all about having a good time.

My son, Zachery, is at that moment now. The last week of school before summer break sets in. This Friday will be his last day. I brought this up last night at dinner and he said, we won't do much this week except "mostly party and a little learning." I thought that was pretty funny and probably accurate. I know this is a difficult time for the teachers, because according to the calendar there's 5 more day of school left; but as far as the kids are concerned - summer has arrived.

My life

I remember as a child wondering what I would be like as a grownup. What kind of career path would I take, would I marry, have children, where would I live, what kind of house would I have. Through the eyes of a young, inexperienced and naive little girl I imagined a fairytale of the invincible career driven and successful woman carrying a briefcase wearing a designer suit with high heel shoes and an impeccable outward appearance. There was also the beautifully decorated home and manicured yard with perfectly well behaved and mannered little children dressed in their Sunday best. A husband who thought the sun rose and set in my honor and thought of me as the Queen of his world. HELLO!! Wake up and smell the coffee - which I happen to drink every morning, by the way. The future is just unimaginable, unpredictable and never what you expect it to be. As I look back at my youth I realize life's experiences has shed a great deal of ignorance, naivety and innocence; slowly peeled away over time and exposing the real me. My core was always there it was just covered up with circumstances and environmental exposure inhibiting the real beauty...........my inner beauty. The part that really counts. While my life is not perfect, it's as perfect as it can be. I have a husband and two children that mean the world to me, a beautiful home, stable job and friends and family who love me. All of these may have faults, imperfections and trying times, but it's my life. Maybe not the perfect life I imagined as a child, but a life better than I ever imagined. I can truly say that I do appreciate all that life has given me and I don't take any of it for granted. I feel so lucky to be me and each day I feel more and more blessed.

A new era

Life as we know it has changed. Gone are the days of placing Nolan in one spot and finding him there moments later. Safety is now of the up most importance. Now I'm forced to keep my floors clean too and that alone is a feat in itself. Brian and I had to lower the crib so that our little climber stays put and unhurt. He's already pulling up on things and reaching and grabbing for anything he can get his cute, pudgy hands on. Let the games begin.