Religion

I felt compelled to write a post on the subject of religion. I frequent a blog that is so deep, spiritual and thought provoking that I just had to comment. If you're in the mood for soul searching, digging deeper into your spiritual self or have questions on your current religious state then I would recommend this blog to you.

While I'm no religious fanatic, I do believe in God. My level of understanding is at a novice level. I do pray, try to live my life according to God, but I do admit that I don't read the bible or attend church any longer. When I did attend church, I felt out of place. I felt like I had to live up to the expectations of the other Christians in attendance. It felt like I was putting on airs; the facade of a Christian wanna be and I felt unnatural and full of betrayal, to myself. This point alone made me question what I was doing. Was I doing this for God? Was I doing this to please others? Or to please myself.

While no church is perfect - humans after all are present - I still couldn't get past the feeling of hypocrisy. I felt like I was living two lives. The life of a person that wanted to be the godly christian woman and then the fun loving, carefree, person who lived life on the edge. Somehow the two just didn't intermingle into the one true existence of ME. I've come to the realization that I have to be happy and do what makes me feel right and if that means not attending church than It doesn't make me a bad person. I can pray, and live life in a godly way without putting on a show for others. I can obtain my own interpretation of the bible (I need to read it) and I can pass on what little knowledge I do have to my children.

In no way do I mean any disrespect to those that do attend Sunday services. I'm thankful for their comfort and peace with church. I believe my husband shares this point of view and we both have a sense of righteousness in living our lives the best way we know how.

I'm through feeling guilty.

Father son night out

Brian and Zachery went to their first drag race together. They went with two other dads and their sons to an evening of manly fun. I was excited for them to have this time together...........until the phone call. My bubble was burst when Brian called to say that Zachery was upset and not enjoying himself. I don't think Zachery knew what to expect and when the cars sped by with sounds that shake your insides out and forced your eyes to rattle it totally freaked him out. They spent a great deal of time outside of the arena around the food stands and various other activities. I spoke with my friend, Marie, who's husband was one of the others in attendance. I explained what was happening and she was sorry and upset for me and for them. Not long after we hung up, I answered my phone to an astonishingly, excited sped up version of my son talking. He LOVED it! He was talking so incessantly that I couldn't get a word in. I did manage to hear something about large explosions that were fireworks, but were more like bombs - that apparently was Cool! He was still psyched up when they got home and went on about the fun evening.
What a relief! Maybe this can be a yearly tradition with the fellas.
I'm thankful for their bonding time.

As for me and Nolan - we enjoyed a quiet evening at home. Next time the wives and I are going to get together for some of our own fanfare. Come to think of it, next Friday may be that night. The guys are supposed to get together for a camping/fishing birthday party. Let's start planning..............

Marie - you're the best - thanks so much for talking with me last night, relating with my feelings and easing my mind.

Me

It's taken me a while, but I'd rather be right where I am. Sound peculiar? I finally feel good in my own skin and I feel like I'm exactly where I need to be in my life. I haven't accomplished all of my goals, but I'm enjoying the journey. I can tell you that there are a few things that I never thought I would be living with right now and one of them has a name...........Nolan. An eight month old at 35 years of age? I would have told you that you were in sane. But, the timing could have never been better. I also would have laughed at you if you told me I'd be living in a small town. That too has turned out to be a blessing. My minds ideal - the picture of my life at this age, strangely enough couldn't be more ironic. Yet, in the same breath it couldn't be more peaceful, happy and content. Sure life is not perfect and has it's many ups and downs, but home base, my being, is uniquely and pleasantly right. I'm not wealthy, I don't have a new car, the latest in fashions, expensive meals, or top of the line furniture. But, what I do have is a roof over my head, a car that takes me from A to B, decent clothes on my back, a job that I enjoy going to everyday, friends, and a family that I adore and can't wait to come home too. I actually believe it now. I believe that money isn't everything. I believe that my inner self is far more precious than my outward appearance of who I am. A person's heart really is the key to their core, their existance. Inner beauty speaks volumes, changes lives and lives on well past a persons vanity. Time has a way of speading up, slowing down and changing a perons life. It's more than hands on a clock ticking, ticking, ticking away the seconds in our lives. It's one step closer to the truth. The truth is the key. To sum this all up - I finally like me - at least most of the time. I still have issues and faults, don't get me wrong, but I'm not so bad. When I look back at how far I've come I'm amazed at the journey, but pleased at the destination. My travels have brought me far, the road has been curvy, steep and tumultous, but in the end I toughed out the mileage and have finally arrived.

Zachery's baseball team won their first game last night. Zach had a huge hit out into the left outfield but got out at 2nd - it' ok Zachery - you haven't been coached on sliding yet. He also hit a base hit after hitting it past the shortstop - this followed by a few other hits/walks led him to score a homerun. He made an out at 3rd base and overall did a fantastic job in his first game. I'm hoping that the next game the coach will let him pitch - he and his dad have been working hard on his pitching and I'm sure he'll do a great job.

The ENT specialist has recommended that Nolan get tubes in his ears........oooohhhh. He has fluid and it seems that it has been there for quite some time. Brian and I both knew this was coming, but it still doesn't make it any easier. We just need to decide on when to schedule the surgery.

Work has been hectic, but I'm hoping it will slow down soon and I will feel a little more relaxed. Sometimes I feel like I'm pulled in so many directions that I don't know which way is up. I'm sure everyone can relate to that feeling in some way,shape or form.

I've been growing my hair out to donate and I think it's about that time. I'm going to send it to Pantene and they require a minimum of 8 inches. I've been trying to decide on a short hairstyle - any suggestions please let me know. I'm also trying to figure out who to let cut my hair. I'll know when the time is right.

Reading

Reading is one of my favorite things to do. It is an escape, it's relaxing, it takes my mind places that I otherwise would never go. Reading a story makes my wheels turn, causing me to laugh, cry, cringe, shriek, sigh, relate, compare, dream, remember and countless other emotions. I prefer fiction, because I'm amazed at the creativity it takes to build and form a story from scratch - weaving intricate details and plots that somehow come together into an amazing story. I enjoy characters that don't exist that are consistent with their own personalities and how I'm able to form imagery to their physical appearance even though they are all made up. I admire writers who have the talent to take you there and draw on your emotions. The kind of author that keeps you turning the page well past your bedtime. I love reading words I don't know the meaning of and looking them up in the dictionary. Reading is a journey, to me, worth taking over and over again and I shall do this for as long as I'm able.

Sticky fingers

Tonight after shopping we went out to dinner. It was an all you can eat buffet and I had dropped off a plate of food at our table and left to go wash my hands. As I was approaching our table I noticed Brian frantically wiping Nolan's face, Zachery laughing and a lady from a neighboring table assisting my two men. I was puzzled, but found out quickly that Nolan has sticky fingers. He was helping himself to a piece of my steak that was about the size of a slice of bread. He reached, grabbed and picked up the whole piece of meat and was headed straight for his mouth. Brian stopped him just in time,but not before it was slid across the table with those tiny, persistent little fingers. I did have to go and get seconds. He was happy with mashed potatoes and bread, but kept licking his lips when I'd take a bite of my steak. I guess I'm lucky to have two boys that love to eat and are not the least bit picky. On the other hand, my grocery bill keeps going up and up.

I have so much running through my head that it's spinning. Too much to even put it into words. I'm actually at a loss of words.......so this will be a short post.

Nolan is on the verge of crawling. From a sitting position he bends over and gets into a crawling stance and rocks back and forth. He leans forward and reaches for me and tries, at times, successfully to pull himself up. He is just about wide open and mobile. You can see the urgency in his face - he's ready to go, go, go. I'm enjoying, or so I think, the last few days of a child that stays put where I leave him. In the near future - I will be on the run - literally.

Zachery has been working hard on the CRCT testing and I've been very proud of his attitude and patience while taking this test. He says that so far it has been "easy" which relieves me. He still has Friday and Monday and then he will be completed. I plan on rewarding him for his hard work.

I'm going downstairs now to enjoy some time with my husband.

It's Official

Today, my husband, has been officially named the new Head Coach of the High School Wrestling Team! What great news for him and for our family. I'm so proud of his latest promotion and I'm anxious to witness the great and admirable teachings he will show the team. He has proven his track record as the Middle School Head Coach for the last 2 winning seasons and is responsible for starting and running a USA wrestling team for the local children in elementary school and up to Middle School. He dedicates is time voluntarily and without complaint. He tirelessly does this for one reason - to help the kids become successful in life. One of the quotes that he has me print on certificates reads: "After wrestling everything else in life is easy" - Dan Gable - and let me tell you, after watching our son wrestle a few matches I agree 100%.

The foundation that he has laid for our community is already a proven building block for children's personal growth, mental and physical development, and he is already seen by most kids as a mentor and a caring, motivational and positive role model. He's just stern enough to keep their attention and respect and soft and gentle enough to allow a closeness that brings them a sense of devotion. There have been many occasions that my husband has been late coming home from practices, because he takes children home. He does this because this is their only opportunity to become involved in an extracurricular activity. This is just one example of the unselfish acts that my husband displays as a coach.

Please join me in congratulating a job well deserved by my husbands hard work, loyalty, determination and an attitude that won't give up. I know you have inspired and impressed many people with your work ethic and I wish you continued success.

Lot's of love, hugs and kisses from me to you honey! I love you!!!

Ear infections

This morning I took Nolan for a re-check on his ears following a double ear infection. His right ear looked good, but the left one still had not cleared up. More antibiotics. It's tough, because he doesn't act the least bit sick. No fever. He just seems like the same old Nolan - laughing and playing and eating like a little piggy.

I guess this calls for a visit to the ENT specialist. Our pediatrician suggests going and having a hearing test done and making sure this round of meds clears up the infection. I dread hearing the "T" word *tubes*. I know they would help, but he's just so little and sweet and innocent. The thought of putting him to sleep makes me cringe. I'm afraid he'll come out of surgery a different person - frowning, unhappy and just plain mean. I know, I need to chill.

My oldest, Zachery, had tubes and that was tough too, but he was a little older, I think he was between 2 and 3. He hasn't had an ear infection since - so yes they did help - but it still doesn't make it any easier to think of Nolan having to have surgery.

Being a mother is so tough. I guess that I should be thankful that there is a helpful invention, such as tubes, so that my son's hearing is not damaged from habitual infections. I would have more easily settled for a child that didn't get ear infections. Life just isn't that easy. Besides, things could always be worse. I should consider myself blessed.

Friday night fever

It's so nice to know that there won't be the annoying sound of the alarm clock, that I've grown to hate, blaring, beeping, buzzing and yanking me out of a sound sleep. Friday nights are a little sweeter with that in mind. No mad dash to get to work on time, no feeling of having to get to bed at a decent hour so I can avoid being a morning momma bear and no night time preparations in making my morning run smoother. I can just relax, take it easy and cozy up with my family in the comfort of my home. No better place to be. It's raining outside and makes it feel even cozier. After dinner maybe we'll pop in a movie and chill out on the sofa for the evening. I can smell the popcorn already.

Rambling

It's always something. I hate to use this expression because it sounds so cliche, but I can't think of anything better to say. Here's another good one - If it's not one thing it's another. How about this - life goes one, Live and learn, We're only human, that's a part of life. I could think of a million other quotes but I won't bore you.

Do you ever wonder why we feel so compelled to utter these expressions? It's like we have to make excuses for ourselves, or fill in the blanks when in a conversation with someone. Where did these expressions come from? Some tend to stick and have a life all their own. They make a journey from one generation to the next and get bounced around from one person to another. Here's my favorite.....I've just been so busy...........

For such a technologically advanced, I want it yesterday, need instant gratification society we sure do seem busy. How is it that we have less time in our lives with everything out there that's supposed to make our life easier and less hectic? We have instant messaging, text messaging, email, online shopping, automated bill pay, microwave food, fast food, fax machines, debit cards, ATM machines, satellite tv and radio, DVR, palm pilots, blackberry, digital cameras, video cameras and the list goes on and on.

Times have changed - OOOOPPPSSSS - there's another one of those clever phrases, but they have. It's hard not to notice the differences in the way I grew up versus my children's. I know, I know change is good. It's also happening so fast that I can't keep up.

Anyway, I'm not quite sure what the point of this post is...just a bunch of psychotic ramblings of the thoughts swirling in my head. Pay no attention to me - I'm just having a moment.